Hello Again

It's been a while since I have posted a blog. I could tell you things have been busy, or that the nice weather has our family out and about more, which are both true, but really it's been something else. For the longest time I haven't felt like I have had anything to say. I have been doing a great deal of listening, though, and it's time to speak again.

During my time in RCIA, I was devouring information, memorizing prayers, reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning everything I could get my hands on. As our family has settled into a normal groove within the Church, I've been spending less time consuming and acting, and more time listening. Listening is hard when you are used to being a doer. It's hard to stop the prayers, reading, and consumption of information long enough to be still and wait to hear what the Holy Spirit has to say. Adoration is where I do that most, and it is possibly my most treasured hour of the week.

In my months of weekly adoration I have continually been asking God to allow me to surrender. I use the word surrender often, and think about it even more. I have thought so many times that I have surrendered, only to find out I hadn't completey, or I had missed something I wasn't even aware I was holding on to. To be frank, there are some things I put off surrendering, because there is a cost. I have to deny myself, I have to face fears, or I have to let go of my control. As I've sat in the presence of Jesus these many months, I've been asking for help to give everything to Him, so He can do all that He desires through me. He is answering.

In previous posts I have hinted at having strained family relationships. While I love my family, and they love me, some serious damage over my entire life has been done, and still has lasting effects on me today. There have been many times when I considered myself healed of it all, only to see the pain and sin that results from the damage done yet again.

I thought I had finally put it all away in a neat box and moved on a few years ago, but in reality I just wasn't facing it- I was avoiding it, prolonging it. I was pushing it down. Lately I have been recalling things I forgot from long ago out of nowhere. I've been feeling angry and hurt. I've cried for the little girl I was who didn't understand what was happening to her. I truly don't know where these memories are coming from, or why I am allowing myself to sit with them now instead of pushing them down, but I think God is helping me to truly lay this at His feet for once and for all.

To do the hard work of overcoming pain while ensuring I am not passing these generational issues on in relationships with my own children is scary, daunting, and taxing. I always knew I could trust God with my pain, and I always knew He was, and is a loving Father. Those thoughts alone brought me through many dark times. Now I know He is going to walk with me as I fully surrender this pain and heal in His mercy and grace. It is not going to be easy, and I don't know how much I will share publicly, but He didn't promise ease. He promised presence.

This past Sunday our Pastor talked about how things are difficult sometimes, but we as Catholic Christians handle them differently because we have God. Amen.

I'm not sure if I will blog more about this, or if I will just leave this simple message, but either way, I wanted to share two facts.

1. When you listen for the Lord, He speaks to you. It might feel like it's taking forever, but He is always right on time.

2. When you ask for surrender, be prepared to get more than you asked for. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By His power He can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine."

I am thankful we have a God who loves us this much. He knows what we need far more than we do, and sometimes we are silly enough to think we are the main characters of our stories. When I asked for surrender, I wasn't asking to surrender THIS, I didn't even think I needed to, but He has a plan, and I am here for it! While I walk through struggles, I will not walk alone. I will be held. Jesus, I trust in You, take care of everything.

If you have something hard to face, something you've put off, or something you don't think you can carry on your own anymore, surrender it. It takes time, it takes prayer, it takes talking with others, and sometimes getting help, but if you give it to the Lord, while it will be hard, you'll make it. I'm going to make it, and you are too, friend.

"I will be with you always, yes, even until the end of the age." - Matthew 28:20

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you for forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. - Deuteronomy 31:8

Please pray for me, and I'll pray for you. Until next time.